"It Ain't Personal..."


So the Holidays are right around the corner & it's about time I came clean on a few things. You see that little green creature pictured above? Well that's ME...LOL...ok...ok...maybe that's only the "Office" me. BUT...I gotta say I despise Holiday Festivities @ work....ughhhh...And the thing I despise the most has to be the Potlucks!!!! Nope can't stand that sh!t....and I know I can't be alone on this...Here are some of the things I got problems with...



Ninjas Don't Wash They Hands
Yeah you may think I didn't notice ya ass leave the bathroom stall & head straight for the exit...but guess what I did dammit & that sh*t is NOT okay...Here's the thing...even if you don't wash your hands on the regular; the least you could've done was PRETEND while you clearly saw me lathering up @ the sink. I'm sure everybody has that one coworker who STAYS sick...well please believe it's the FOOL that doesn't wash his hands...then has the nerve to wanna touch everything & help carry the dishes to the potluck....ugggggghh!!!


Some Folks Think Animals Are People
*True Story* I use to work with a lady who had a husband named "Fred". This lady would have stories for days about this man. "Fred is so lazy"..."I made Fred dinner last night & he enjoyed it so much he fell asleep on the sofa watching TV; I didn't dare wake him"...*Sigh* Come to find out "Fred" was a damn DOG yall....a 120 pound, furry, milk bone eating MUTT...Needless to say I was floored after finding that shit out. Now I love animals just as much as the next person....HOWEVER...I'm just gonna keep it real "the you know who's" have the tendency to become a little more so "attached" to their pets if you will. Which is the very reason I stay faaaaaar
away from ANYTHING they might have even breathed over. Last thing I wanna find out is that Skippy or "Fred" have been tiptoeing around the kitchen sticking their paws in the pastries.


I Don't Like You
Yeah..Point Blank...The only time I chitty chat with yo ass is when it's pertaining to work. I don't like your attitude and the thought of your presence gives me bad vibes. So there's NO effing way I'm laying 1 finger on those "cookies" you claimed to have baked up @ the house. I once had a coworker who didn't like me & I damn sure didn't like her...then when the holidays came around the bitch decided to get all festive & nice by dropping some "cookies" off @ everyone's desk;
even had the audacity to have some sitting on mine when I arrived to work. I file thirteened them bitches right in her damn face. She probably googled the ingredients specifically for me & lord knows I wasn't tryna end up howling like "Happy" *looks over @ Sane* lol...THE NERVE!!!!!


You Just Can't Cook
By no means am I Chef-Girl-Ardee so when it comes down to bringing something along to the shindig you BETTA believe Odara's name is sitting next to all the utensils, i.e. (forks, spoons, napkins, Ice) all that effortless sh*t. *sigh* but it wouldn't be a potluck without that one coworker who LOVES volunteering for unobtainable sh!t. You know the one who ain't got no business in the kitchen & always bringing some never before heard of contraption to the par
ty. Some folks may find it offensive but I'm still gonna ask "who made the tatta salad?"...*True Story* Went to an office potluck there were a number of "crafty" dishes set up on the table...I already knew I wasn't touching anything that wasn't store bought...so I crept past all the creative looking shit & there's one dish that raises my eyebrows in disbelief....my first thoughts "oh fuck no"...lmao!!!! word around the chow line was that this thrown together shit was a "Cranberry Salad"....lmaooooo....right WTF is THAT??? All I know is that sh!t looked crumbly, moist & a hot ass mess! Needless to say most of the knee-grows kept it moving right past that sh!t. Like my daddy always told me "you can't put sugar on sh!t & call it a cupcake"...hahahaha!!! Moral of the story if ya know ya ass can't cook don't volunteer to COOK!!!! Then have the nerve to be wondering why nobody's touching ya sh!t...


I Don't Trust You...
Call me paranoid or whatever...BUT the truth of the matter is I can't even leave my desk without coming back to sh!t missing! So why in the HELL do you expect me to TRUST eating some contraption you stirred up in ya kitchen ...even if the shit is pre-wrapped or came straight from the bakery...I don't want no parts of it...Mainly because I don't know what kinda shit went down on the ride here. For all I know you could've hit a speed bump & the food flew all over your backseat floor & with no eyewitnesses around I'm just gonna assume what ya did with it next...so NO THANKS!!!


You Just Nasty
Your desk stays covered in filth ...and sorry to tell you but you just don't come off as "clean"...hey it's nothing personal; I just can't afford catching the heebie jeebies or GAWD knows what else because you don't believe in using hand sanitizer. *True Story* I use to work with this lady who wore TONS of makeup! She looked like the walking dead. One day my line was ringing while I was walking back to my desk....so me being lazy I just figured it would be quicker to pick up my line from her desk so I wouldn't miss the call...I picked up the receiver & there was caked up makeup & flakes of GAWD knows what else all over it...I nearly threw up...needless to say I learned my lesson...

Alright so those are some of the things that make me cringe @ the office potlucks....What are yours???

5 comments:

  1. OMG, Odara...the true stories are hillarious!

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  2. @Anon...HaHa!!! some ppl are unbelievable!

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  3. lmao.

    where the hell you find an image of somebody with half their hand up their nose!

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  4. Hahahahahhh!!!! OMG, this was priceless and I agree with you on everything! The kissing of the dog in the mouth is SO true! And uah @ the lady with the earth all over her phone receiver!! LOL

    No you did NOT bring 'ole Happy into this! LMAO!!!!

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